Paranoia

What is this festering feeling inside?
A malignant curiosity, a worrisome chide.
The tone, the vibe, the malicious intent.
How does anyone ever get away with it?
Vile, villainous, pestering tart.
I will not be dissuaded from the coldness of my heart.
Well-meaning chums would carefully say,
That I misunderstood my opponent’s way.
But, please, absurd! How can I deny,
The pain they caused me by their snide?
No, they hurt me and caused me much pain,
The more I think on it the stronger the flame.
Oh how I hate this burn, I can barely breathe,
What a fantastic plan they set against me.
Knowing full well my thoughts would dwell,
That I would think on it and my anger would swell.
Surely they knew that I would obsess,
Losing sleep, missing meals, incapable of rest.
And just today they smiled and waved at me,
And through clenched teeth I smiled back bitterly.
A voice inside says I am overboard.
That my thoughts betray me and I, the coward.
But to let go and my emotions invalidate,
Is beyond my ability, an unnatural state.
I truly cannot do this alone,
Oh God please help, relieve this burden I’ve sown.
I face before me a black abyss,
An unknowable future if I confess.
I need you not merely to forgive my offense,
But also take captive my own malicious intent.
For I am prone to wonder and prone to fear.
I am paranoid, afraid of mock and jeer.
Forgive me; I know I am not alone,
By your stripes and death, my sins atoned.

The Repentant Narcissist

Quite mistaken and living a lie,
A heart-wrenching truth I cannot deny.
I have lived these years upon a path,
Certain of vision, certain to last.
But such confidence not properly ground,
Caused me to fly and live in the clouds.
And this narcissism infecting the mass,
Is the thorn in my side, my burden, alas.
Like fuel to the fire of my sin within,
Self-interest permeates and I give in.
I was living with lenses warped and skewed,
Where I was the lead, while others construed,
As mere characters of foes and friends,
Objects of plot and means to an end.
Yet don’t get me wrong, though villain I am,
Not all of my efforts were so vilely planned.
The pain that is deepest and now in plain view,
Is the miserable fact that I never knew.
T’was my running thought and subtle intent,
To rise as a victor with benevolence.
But there lies the tell of my sinful disease,
Grace not mine to bestow, hearts not mine to ease.
And so I lay down my plight at the feet of the cross,
Self-interest condemned and my success a loss,
Knowing now full-well the best course for me:
Surrender my dreams and let You intercede,
Deciding the course, sustaining Your glory,
And me a mere character in Your magnificent story.