“Anxiousness & Fear” – excerpt from Pursuing Wisdom: Unmasking Theology

Anxiousness is “characterized by extreme uneasiness of mind or brooding fear about some contingency: worried” (Merriam-Webster). It is not surprising that this is in direct connection to the fears coming from our ultimate need. Is it not obvious that there would naturally be a sense of fear a lone creation, in the absence of his or her Creator, would feel? But just to make sure we are on the same page about this leery nature induced by fear, let us also look at the definition of fear.

Fear is “to be afraid or apprehensive” (Merriam-Webster).This emotion is induced by an imminent danger the creation is subject to in light of being unplugged from the Source. The creation cannot sustain itself eternally. Therefore, whether or not the conscious mind allows itself to be aware of the existence of God doesn’t change the fact that God exists and furthermore everything in us and around us is disconnected from him and cries out with urgency due to impending doom.

We must be careful not to miss the important difference between anxiousness and fear. While fear is clearly the emotion of that natural danger we reviewed earlier, anxiousness is “characterized by extreme uneasiness of mind.” It would be very easy to simply write this off as another description of emotion. However, utilizing our progressive understanding of our reasoning we can clearly see that while fear is the emotion, anxiousness is the result of human reasoning being applied to the emotion.

When we are anxious or worried, it is not simply an emotion. Anxiousness would be the precursor to the rise of the prevention need we learned of in the first chapter. We know that appealing to the human nature in I Must Resolve is obviously not-God. However, fear is the effect of noticing the disconnection and instability we have on our own. It is then that the choice is made about where we go in order to resolve it. Therefore, if part of wisdom is reason applied to revelation, then anxiousness would simply be human reasoning applied to fear. It is in this stasis that modes dominate and conquer the human psyche.

There are only two ways to remove anxiousness. The I Must Resolve way cultivates modes to the point that the reality of our disconnection is denied and replaced with modes suggesting dominance over emotion. The submissive God Will Resolve way removes anxiousness by casting our cares upon the Lord (I Peter 5:7) and, in faith, gaining a “peace that transcends all understanding” (Philippians 4:6-7).

The only reason I am going into this much detail about a subject catered to in the first chapter is because I feel it is important for us to understand, as Christians, that our human nature will cry out against our attempts to push through mere feelings in pursuit of our need of discovery. It is only natural that we will face a rebellion from our human state as we seek with the fullness of our faith to grow closer to God through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. Our desire for wisdom will create a sense of turmoil within us.

With the revelation of modes and the exposure of insecurity, it is so easy for us to cater to feelings. Furthermore, with the aid of human reasoning (mode) we could easily disassociate ourselves from introspection. But let us not be like Logos was originally whereby we would merely attempt to manipulate the indicators of our deficiencies. Let us run with earnest in the effort of exposing all that hinders us from having a deeper relationship with our Lord. Let us trust with the God Will Resolve mentality, which is only natural to the new creation and those reborn who follow Christ, that the Holy Spirit will reveal to us our purpose and direction.

Timid Heart

Oh my timid heart,
Tis passion you command.
For better or for worse,
My attention you demand.
For reason governs logic
Guiding A to B to C,
But a tug of the nostalgic
Will bend reason to its knee.
And so my timid heart
Forget not what you are.
Though you incur the hurts,
You also set the bar
For how long you shall endure
The intensity of offense,
You have power to move on
From the pains you can diminish.
So look to the horizon.
You were never meant to be
Confined, stalled, or stagnant
Go forth, my heart, run free.

Broken China

No longer shall I tarry
In fearful wilderness,
Afraid, alarmed, and wary
By the burdens that I carry,
Perspective quite contrary
To desirable bliss.
I let the china fall,
Having want to be reformed.
It shatters in the hall.
I’m judged and shunned by all.
I brace against the wall,
Enduring the great storm.
I peek a careful squint
To see if I survived,
And maybe catch a glimpse
Or possibly a hint,
A life beyond incident,
Where peace may be derived.
And I’m pleasantly greeted
By a warm and tranquil scene,
No scoffers have entreated,
No ambulance is needed,
Nor am I impeded
From existing as I deem.
So I gather up the pieces
Of the shattered, broken idol.
My confidence increases
As practicality releases,
My consternation ceases
And frees my timid soul.

A Rising Tide

Do you feel it in the air,
A sense of something coming?
The likes of which you can’t compare,
An insatiable longing?
A growing wave forms steadily,
Just breaking the horizon.
The tide comes in readily
Beyond the bounds of reason.
Oh beckoning breeze, you welcome me
Preemptive of fruition.
Anticipation builds frantically,
A mix of hope and tension.
Some may dread and fear unknown
Recourse of such submission.
They hide away all alone,
Afraid of vain delusion.
But no, not I, my purpose forms.
I’ll hope for nothing less
Than providence amidst the storms.
My life, my King shall bless.

Oh Lord, Where were you?

Oh Lord, Where were you,
When the villains came out,
When the evil afflicted,
And fear led to doubt?
Oh Lord, Where were you,
When they boarded the planes
When children lost parents
And death fell like rain?
Oh Lord, Where were you?
With a gun held high,
He entered the school,
And took their sweet lives.
Oh Lord, Where were you,
In the years of abduction,
While their families awaited,
Any kind of instruction?
Oh Lord, Where were you?
We ask and don’t know,
It shakes our faith,
Amidst fear and woe.
Oh Lord, Where were you?
We assume, Lord of Hosts,
That you were the foe,
Who neglected your post.
Oh Lord, Where were you?
We ask, blind and lost,
We can barely conceive,
The measure of sin’s cost.
Oh Lord, Where were you,
May be the wrong plea,
In this fear stricken world,
Oh Lord, Where were we?
Oh Lord, Where were you?
Surely there at the towers,
Under desks at the school,
Where the victims would cower.
Oh Lord, Where were you?
Always with us within,
Preparing and determining,
When this madness will end.

The Constant Shadow

Ascending from the cave,
I spy a shadow of former self.
A marionette without a sound,
Of hope and peace bereft.
And thus begins the shadow’s rise,
Engulfing my firm-footed base.
“Do not look back”, my sullen heart cries,
“And be doomed a pillar of waste.”
And so I shut my eyes,
Letting memory thus replace,
And dare not to dwell upon the past,
That these encounters be met with haste.
But I did see one thing I cannot put away,
A chip upon my shoulder,
That I noticed still remains.
It seems beyond position,
Or stature socially,
I have always felt subject,
And hindered by frailty.
In youth, I feared authority
As authority, I was intense,
As employee, I feared the manager
As manager, I feared impotence.
And thus the cycle continues,
I am constantly afraid.
Over, under, forward, behind,
Unsettled and dismayed.
I must attempt to break,
And shatter this illusion,
That my circumstances decide,
My attitude, is a delusion.

Paranoia

What is this festering feeling inside?
A malignant curiosity, a worrisome chide.
The tone, the vibe, the malicious intent.
How does anyone ever get away with it?
Vile, villainous, pestering tart.
I will not be dissuaded from the coldness of my heart.
Well-meaning chums would carefully say,
That I misunderstood my opponent’s way.
But, please, absurd! How can I deny,
The pain they caused me by their snide?
No, they hurt me and caused me much pain,
The more I think on it the stronger the flame.
Oh how I hate this burn, I can barely breathe,
What a fantastic plan they set against me.
Knowing full well my thoughts would dwell,
That I would think on it and my anger would swell.
Surely they knew that I would obsess,
Losing sleep, missing meals, incapable of rest.
And just today they smiled and waved at me,
And through clenched teeth I smiled back bitterly.
A voice inside says I am overboard.
That my thoughts betray me and I, the coward.
But to let go and my emotions invalidate,
Is beyond my ability, an unnatural state.
I truly cannot do this alone,
Oh God please help, relieve this burden I’ve sown.
I face before me a black abyss,
An unknowable future if I confess.
I need you not merely to forgive my offense,
But also take captive my own malicious intent.
For I am prone to wonder and prone to fear.
I am paranoid, afraid of mock and jeer.
Forgive me; I know I am not alone,
By your stripes and death, my sins atoned.